The Usefulness of Shame

Before his death in 2020, I had probably listened to dozens if not hundreds of lectures and talks from Christian philosopher and apologist Ravi Zacharias. I adored his content and consumed it as often as possible. I even had seeing him at a live event as an item on my bucket list (a mission I accomplished when I attended a lecture at the University of Michigan a few years before he passed.) I remember him saying on more than one occasion that our culture had devolved so radically because we have abandoned shame. His basic premise was that, as a culture, shame provided us with the parameters of good behavior. Seeing certain acts as shameful or unacceptable prevented people from delving into their baser desires. I agree with this view, yet I can’t help but see his statements as ridiculously ironic considering certain revelations that only came to light after his death. It turns out that Ravi was quite the womanizer and practiced continual sexual sin and abuse throughout his life and ministry. I do not know the details of his sin, and I will never investigate any further than I already have. I don’t need to know. It is enough to know that these are more than accusations, they are facts (and ugly ones at that.) It turns out that Dr. Zacharias should have headed his own words. Yet, it doesn’t mean he was wrong. Shame can be useful. Shame can also be destructive. It is our reaction to the shame we experience that dictates the outcome. Shame is defined as “A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” I think the Apostle Paul best summed this juxtaposition while addressing the young church in Corinth. He said, “For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.” (1st Corinthians 7:10) Shame is an acknowledgement that we have fallen short of God’s standard for holiness. This shame is a kindness to the believer and the non-believer alike. For the believer, shame is a catalyst that pushes us to repentance and to the forsaking of all future sin. Romans 2:4 says, “…the kindness of God leads you to repentance…”. For the non-believer, shame is a means in which the Holy Spirit convicts us (John 16:8). This conviction makes us aware that something is wrong, even if we don’t recognize why. It is what makes our hearts soft and ready to respond in faith when we hear the gospel. In both cases, shame leads to repentance and restoration. Shame can also lead to condemnation and destruction. Again, the believer and the non-believer are susceptible to this fate. How many people have crumbled under the weight of their own shame and looked to drugs or alcohol to try to ease the pain of it? How many of those have found that masking the pain with substances doesn’t work and take more drastic means to address it? Many have taken their own lives prematurely because they were overcome with shame. I believe that much that passes as mental illness is caused by the weight and shame of unrepented sin. This was certainly the case for me. For years I had hidden sexual sin in my life and I refused to address it. I was convinced that I would be humiliated and lose everything if I confessed to my wife, my brothers in Christ and to the leadership of my church. But nothing could address the overwhelming shame that still plagued me. I took medication, I tried counseling and nothing fixed the problem until I confessed openly and repented. I waited until it was almost too late. I got to a place where I was suicidal and on the brink of doing something that I couldn’t undo. It was the grace of God and the faithfulness of my amazing wife that pulled me out. I saw my shame as condemnation, and I allowed it to almost destroy me. It was when I saw that shame as conviction that I was led to repentance and restoration. Shame is a natural consequence of sin and in the best of cases motivates us to pursue righteousness and reject wickedness. It is a kindness that prevents us from callously rejecting God’s continuous pull on our hearts. When we refuse to repent, our shame condemns us and leads us into a darkness that we seldom find our way out of. Do not harden your heart to the Lord, instead Welcome the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Live a life of repentance and continual introspection. Only then will you experience the Joy of the Spirit and the peace that passes all understanding.